This story originally appeared on Stories Behind the Fog.
I was born in Chicago. I don’t really know much about it, because I was very young when we moved to Colorado. I grew up mainly in Denver; then a small town called Slight. I’ve always been good with children. After I graduated high school, I started taking childcare classes. I have something of a gift with kids. I’ve always gotten along with them, cared for them. They’re really special to me.
After my classes, I started working as a nanny in New Jersey. I worked there for two years. I alys referred the smaller setting of nannying, and it was really something. I got to travel allover with my families. I went to China, Cancun, Yosemite. One family took me on a cruise with them. I’m really thankful for those times. I traveled with one family for three months; that was really fun.
I would have kept doing what I was doing, I was doing good, but two years ago my brother asked me to move to Vacaville and help him take care of my nieces. I agreed, and moved from New Jersey to California. Things were going alright, but his wife and I never really connected, and she kicked me out.
I didn’t know anybody in California. My brother couldn’t do much, and the rest of my family was gone or turned me away. I didn’t have anywhere to go. That’s when I got into my first shelter, in Vacaville.
This place was hard. You had to do a lot: We had to do community service, take classes, and find a job in 30 days. It was a lot of pressure for me. I didn’t know yet then, but I have PTSD from my childhood and later, my mother dying. She died twelve years ago from a brain tumor, and I took care of her in the end. It was really hard for me to watch her die. I was living with my girlfriend, who left because of it. She couldn’t deal with the situation. I couldn’t leave though, I felt like my mom needed me. I couldn’t give up on her.
I’d have outbursts at the shelter and couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know why, so I just called it ugly. And it was ugly. I just wanted to get rid of it, but I didn’t know how. All I knew is that I wouldn’t get rid of it in this shelter.
I decided to take the money I made from my job — they made us save 90% of what we earned — and leave. I made a plan. I took the money I made and got a hotel. My plan was to stay there until I ran out and after I would take a bunch of pills. Fortunately, I am still here.
I was in the emergency room for three days. It was hard, because I didn’t have nobody there. After they released me, I went to a mental hospital then another homeless program in Vacaville. They were trying to help me with housing and work, but it wasn’t helping. For me, if I’m not connected with something, then I don’t feel like there’s nothing to live for. I needed something to belong to.
I’m a lesbian. I wanted to connect with that community to get back that part of me. I found a shelter in San Francisco, Jazzies. They’re the only shelter in the city for LGBTQ people, which is crazy. I wasn’t sure if I’d even get a bed, but I had to take a chance. I felt like my life depended on it.
I got in in February, but it wasn’t what I hoped. There’s not really any privacy, and the bathrooms are horrible. Men have come in and ripped the shower curtain open when I was taking a shower. It triggers my PTSD; it feels like the whole world comes crashing down on me. I’m trying to get the staff to fix it, because a lot of people don’t feel safe. I sometimes can’t shower for days because of it.
Luckily, though, I met Samantha living at the shelter. She told me about the Downtown Street Team. They work around Civic Center cleaning up trash and helping the homeless there. They hand out hygiene kits and other supplies, and you know, just give them someone to talk to.
I started volunteering with them. It’s really helped. I was the “participant of the week” the first week I was there, and they made me a team leader the in the first month. It helps me stay connected. It helps give me a purpose. It helps keep me alive.
I’m happy to say that, it’s been months of try, but on Monday I’m going to see a therapist. I’m hopeful that I can start to figure it all out, but I know that’ll take a while. My goal basically is go back to the nannying and be more like living in, but mentally I just wanna feel better.
There’s a lot of prejudice against the homeless. People treat us badly every day. Even though I’ve been able to get into the system, so thank God for that, it’s not easy. We can’t be at the shelter during the day. I try to find places to stay then, but you always end up getting kicked out. Nobody really looks at us, or cares. But we’re people. We’re good people. I am a good hearted person. One day, I want to open another LGBTQ shelter. I want to give more people like me something to be connected to. I want to help save lives like the Downtown Street Team helped save mine.
Thank you to Free Range Puppies.